4 month window

[A lot can happen in 4 months!
Nobody is probably reading this blog anymore due to my negligience in writing absolutely anything. My pardons. ]

It is kind of interesting to look at life as if through windows. When I look out the window of my life so much has changed--the sky seems so moody and dramatic. Light breaks through in jagged rays casting contrasting shadows and highlights.

Way back when it was Christmas time and winter was delightful because it just fit with all that was going on, I began to retreat. I was growing large with child. I felt myself turning very inward, preparing. I essentially stopped doing ministry and lost all interest and desire to exert any energy in the DIVE ministry. I remember being at a young women leaders of the Vineyard meeting; a woman was standing next to me receiving prayer ministry, bawling her eyes out as she bent forward in some sort of secret grief. I was unable to move towards her. Uninterested in simply lifting my hand to rest on her body as a conduit of God's power. This kind of shocked me. It didn't feel like me. I was in the process of some sort of metamorphisis. I felt a little confused but at the same time, felt okay with myself and my new station in life. God gave me the grace I needed for my ownself. Grace to slow down, slow way down. Grace to just be. Grace to not be defined by my output, productivity and all that I do.

The holidays came and went; the dead of winter set in. I continued to grow, wondering who this little person was inside of me. I kept at caring for all those amazing patients of mine who love and care about me a lot. Up and down that long hallway I walked, my feet and legs getting more and more swollen. And before I knew it, February was here. The month of my first born. I started my maternity leave a few weeks early out of concerns from my doctors about the potential of preeclampsia. I started my maternity leave because I was getting really tired. So with some relief, I retreated even more to my home, awaiting the debut of Coco. I waited and waited and waited. February 13th came and went. February 20th came and went.

God began to work inside of me. You know how when you slow down, slower than you knew was possible. Boredom sets in. Stircraziness takes over. And the Holy Spirit begins to speak to the core of you. Reminding you of old, hidden, stinking stuff. The stuff you always act like isn't there, has never been there. I was reminded of some strong, yet eloquent words of a woman I highly respect during this time: "If you want to really get ready for the judgement day, tell the real autobiography of your life." The story that you, yourself are too ashamed to say to even yourself. I began to recognize an immense amount of darkness within me. Darkness that shrouded itself in old stories of my childhood, of my life that I have never spoken aloud to anyone. Purposeful buried stories. I felt strongly pressed by the Spirit of God to begin sharing these stories. So I started with great trepidation. I shared with my ever forgiving, always accepting husband and then some dear kindred spirited friends. They still love me and embrace me as one of their own, despite my darkness. A shard of God's light entered me in that time of waiting. Confession of darkness lifted weight off of me and brought perspective to me about some of the deep caverns of deprivation within me. I am motivated to work on some of these areas in my life this next year or two. I slowly share the realy story of me, Shanel. Hopefully, it will become less and less scary. Someday I will be like Paul, wearing it all on my sleeve, so to speak, boasting of the cross of Jesus overcoming all of my darkness.

Well, finally, on February 24th, little Audrey Anne was born. And I was glad. What proceeded were some pretty dark and despairing days. Hormones surging and swirling within me caught me in a place where I was already vulnerable to sadness and despair. I was not prepared for life with a newborn. So many things I just didn't know or expect. And what expectations I did have fell flat and were never realized. I began to question whether or not I was cut out to be a mother. I had real-life urges to give her back. Regret, grief and sorrow blew around me like a mini-tornado. I missed my husband. I missed my old life. I began to recognize just how much I loved my independence as a woman. I became very keenly aware of my high levels of self-centeredness. And most of all, I realized that I love having things figured out. And this baby thing I could not figure out. As much as I read book after book; as much as I talked with one woman and then another; as much as I tried to use common sense and logic, I just could not figure out how to do it. I was left feeling completely helpless and in a place of desperation. And where do most people go when they walk into those desparate places? I cried out to God, the Great Solution Maker! People call him Jehovah Jireh, God Almighty, Saviour and lots of other lofty Christianese names. But my new name for God is the Great Solution Maker. I had a renewed appreciation for Proverbs 3:5, and I like how the Message puts it: "Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure everything out on your own." That's a hard thing to do.

I do rejoice in the birth and life of Audrey Anne. She is absolutely beautiful and stunning (and I am not the only one to believe that). It is amazing to hold her close and know that she came from Ivan and me and is sheer gift from God to us. But I will tell you this and with confidence guarantee that God will use Audrey Anne to grow and mature me in ways I had no idea that I needed. She in a way is my prescription of medicine from the Good Doctor. So, I lean into his medicine and his ways trusting that he will take care of me along the way, being gracious and abundant as he usually is.