Mama neurosis

I have been fretting and prone to a moderate level of anxiety since Audrey was born over the question: Are my breasts making enough milk? You can't really tell. And when I would pump it didn't seem like I was getting very much, especially if I compared myself to other mom's that were pumping. [Big danger of being a new mom: comparing anything and everything to other mom's and their babies.] I would tell myself, "Well, she is pumping 3-4 oz each time and I can only get 1 oz out. What is wrong with me?" Or I would hear stories about another baby born close to Audrey's birthday about how big the other baby is and how she is full of chub and rolls. I would tell myself, "Oh no! Audrey is slender and doesn't have any dimples or rolls around her ankles and wrists. She barely has a double chin."

Now you would think that I would listen to God's messengers along the way that were specifically put there to reassure me and allay my fears. The first week of Audrey's life I went to the lactation specialist at Highland Park Hospital. She had me strip Audrey and put a clean diaper on her. She put her on this sensitive scale where she recorded her weight pre-feeding. She then had me breast feed for as long as Audrey wanted to on both breasts. Then we reweighed the little one and she had gained 2 whole ounces. Cecilia, the wonderful lactation specialist, exclaimed to me, "You are a milk goddess!" Well, that was encouraging.

And then Dr. Hinz, our pediatrician, had us return to her office when Audrey turned 3 weeks old just to make sure she was gaining appropriately. They put her on the scale and lo and behold, she had gone from 8lb 6oz to 9lb 3oz in one week. That is spectacular!

Well, weeks and weeks went by and I was still not convinced that I was making enough milk (even though I had the two previous experiences--I have issues!) At one point, I even walked over to the lactation specialists office after visiting friends at work hoping to see if she would be willing to weigh Audrey on her little scale. I paged her and waited 20 minutes to no avail. So I left still afraid that Audrey was underweight. I knew for sure that when I took Audrey to her 2 month check up at the pediatrician's office they would tell me I had to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula. I would be devastated, feel like a total failure and be pissed off because I had worked so hard in the beginning to figure out the breastfeeding thing with Audrey.

The day finally arrived: Monday, April 24th. Our 2 month check up with Dr. Hinz. I had heard from my sister's friend in San Diego (who had a little girl a few weeks before me) that when Aundy took Katelyn to the doctor's for her 2 month check up, she weighed in at 10lbs 10oz. So I started praying, "Please, please God, let Audrey weigh at least that. Actually, I would be very encouraged if she weighed over 11lbs." I strip little Audrey butt naked (she has the cutest little bee-hind, by the way). I put her on the scale, holding my breath, as the nurse moves the little weights around. I see 10 and a few oz...I let out a sigh. Then the nurse tells me the weight she has recorded, "11 pounds, 11 ounces!" Elation, joy, relief, hurrah's, yes!! My boobs are working. I cannot tell you how happy and PROUD I was! I instantly called Ivan and told him the great news. She had risen from the 50% ranges all the way into the 75% in the growth charts when it comes to weight. Hotdiggetydog!

Well, wouldn't you know. Last night I was pumping and nothing was coming out and guess where my mind and spirit went? Yeap. Straight to the same old fear: my breasts aren't making enough? What is wrong with me. I am hopeless. One of these days, God will help me lay this fear to rest. One of these days.