The power of bonding and attachment.

In those first few weeks of Audrey's life I was in a bit of internal panic because I was experiencing such strange emotions (normal) and I felt like I didn't really like her all too much (normal). I was so overwhelmed and out of sorts that I felt all turned around and felt like this whole bonding thing was not going the way it was supposed to be going. I remember Pat Dinges telling me, "Don't worry about all that bonding jargon. You are doing it just right" after I told her I felt like I was failing in the bonding department and it wasn't going as planned. I think I had expectations that Audrey and I would spend our mornings together, real quiet, sitting in the rocker in the morning sun, drinking coffee. She would look into my eyes and I into hers and we would bond, with magical stars floating all around us. Instead, I could barely get out of bed when she cried, I was exhausted and more depleted than I have ever felt in my whole entire life. Breastfeeding was a literal fiasco, no joke. I would have to set up the special breastfeeding pillow, position Audrey just right, put that stupid nipple guard on, and keep reattaching her to the breast when she would fall off. I survived on Oprah and any TV show that could numb my mind from the complete shock I was experiencing.

After a few months, I finally put words to my shock of becoming a mom. It went something like this: I was expecting a warm blanket to be wrapped around my shoulders, but instead someone threw a large bucket of ice-cold water over my head. Or, I was expecting to be embraced in a warm hug and was instead slapped across the face. That is the level of shock and deep disappointment I experienced in those first few weeks to months. And I think I just gave up and resolved that the bonding thing wasn't worth going after. I had read all these wonderful books about the bonding process between mother and child and had so many hopes that it would be a certain way. And even writing now, I think my birth experience was another sort of shock and disappointment in the whole bonding department. It just didn't go as planned and I sure do have a hard time shifting gears and not throwing everything out with the bath water. When it's your first child, there is no way to be prepared for what you are embarking on. But I guess, I was hoping for something magical and really didn't feel it happened. And I grieve that.

However, yesterday morning something happened. I dropped lil' Audrey Anne off at the babysitter on my way to work and I was talking with Michelene (Ivan's aunt) and she was giving me a report from the day before. She was telling me how Audrey cried a lot that morning and really couldn't be consoled but by being held close and walking around. Michelene said, "She wanted you and really missed you."

This took a moment to register in my mind. People have said this before, "She just needs you, Shanel." "You're the one she wants." "She knew you were gone." "When she heard your voice, she calmed down." But when Michelene said it, I realized it was true. I have bonded with my baby and she with me. Somehow it happened. No magic that I could see or feel. But over time, Audrey has become mine and she knows me as her mother. It really is a mystery. Not sure what I did, but I trust the mystery of bonding that has happened between us and tell Jesus, "Thank you."