Leaving town.

After I had given birth to Audrey, I remember being in a numb and dazed fog, rambling as if in shock. One time, I was driving through Gurnee and I looked north as I drove over I-94 and I felt this strong pull to just get on the highway and drive. Drive until I was far away. Drive until I disappeared all together. I felt intense jealousy of all those people driving north and so very much longed to be in their cars taking me away. It was a strange sensation.

I have had this sensation before. I believe it is a form of escapism. Over time it has been transformed from "I can't wait to get out of my parents house and go to college!" to "Jesus, come and take me home!" A good transformation, I would say.

Lately, I have felt myself wanting to leave. A few weekends ago, I drove to Iowa City on a Friday afternoon in the midst of the worst rush hour traffic I have ever encountered in my days of living in this city. Surprisingly, I didn't mind the traffic so much because I was leaving. My spirit seemed eager and excited to be escaping this place. Escaping my situation and the hard things that are harbored here.

I can recognize this in other people for it lies within me. It is subtle, but I see it. Wanting "adventure". Wanting to just leave town and never come back. Comments that suggest wanting to throw in the towel. Wanting to try something new. Wanting it all to end. And then the even more subtle ways we numb this sensation. Busyness, working too much, giving of ourselves over and beyond our limits, eating too much, watching too much TV, spending money, escaping into a novel or movie. Addictions, binging, and accumulating stuff. I am guilty of almost all of these.

Sometimes life is just too much and you want to leave.
"It is time," I say to Jesus.
As if I know, in all my wisdom and insight, when it is time for me to go home to Jesus. But that is all I know to do in times where things are full of darkness, despair and sorrow.
I cry out to him to take me home--to him.

Last night, I sang a song in worship...One thing I ask and I would seek is to see your beauty oh Lord. One thing I ask and I would seek is to dwell with you all my days. Within these Christianese words that we sing without thinking so often, is a yearning to be with Jesus. I could feel that ache crawling out of me as I stood there and I found myself changing the words to the song, "I long for you, Jesus. I just want to be with you."

I was reminded of a Rita Springer's song as I sang. The words go like this: "It's going to be worth it, it's going to be worth it all." And as the song goes on it changes slightly and you might not even catch it if you aren't listening for it, "You're going to be worth it, you're going to be worth it all." Jesus, himself, to be in his presence, to lay my head on his chest and literally feel his arms around me, to have him wipe away every one of my tears of sorrow--THAT, my friends, will be worth it.

So, I stay in town. Waiting for Jesus to come and take me home.